All those months, years, I spent in hospital being stuffed with food, vaguely told about the importance of food. Food is fuel. Your organs need to repair themselves. Balance is important.
I look back at the past two years and in retrospect, I have come so far. I look back six years ago, where I was weighing cucumber. I wasn't sleeping because I was convinced my mum was pouring oil onto the cabbage I was going to boil for dinner the next day.
Now? Now I eat nachos (without cheese because anorexia made me bloody lactose intolerant). Now I eat out at restaurants where I don't know (or care) about the calorie content. Now I eat popcorn like there's no tomorrow. Sure, I still am fearful of some foods, and still feel guilt, but my oh my, long gone are the days of screaming at my family to get out the kitchen as I cook my 'dinner.'
I am so much freer now, but what has come with freedom is a KFC bucket size full of issues. Issues that nobody seems to talk about, the doctors don't warn you about, the psychiatrists don't prepare you for, and those in recovery seem to shy away from talking about.
When I was 'ill' (underweight), I rarely got ill and genuinely felt fine. Of course I wasn't and was just about surviving with little to no energy to enjoy life, but I felt ok. I was alright. Fine. Not bad.
But now? Now I am fine! I'm awful! I want to die! I'm living my best life. I'm in love! I'm hungry. I'm stuffed. I'm in pain. I'm hyper! I'm hopeful. I'm resentful. I'm grateful. I'm tired! SO TIRED. You get the gist.
With weight gain comes hormones and inevitably with hormones come an influx of emotion. I am essentially going through puberty again (my boobs still haven't grown though) and it is pretty difficult, something I wasn't quite prepared for. I've gained this weight and all of a sudden I've got 360 vision of my entire being. I developed osteoporosis a few years ago, so why now, when I've got a bit more squish, are they aching more? But trying to explain to somebody this pain when I don't look ill anymore is so hard.
One of the hardest things is the bloating. It sounds minor; sure we all get bloated after a roast dinner, but recovering from an eating disorder, bloating for many is 24/7. Your stomach is expanding, getting used to consuming more. It's been two years since I've properly been in recovery, and for two years I have had intense bloating. I now have IBS*** (not sure if it is eating disorder related, but most likely to be). I've fucked my tummy up somehow and often end up bailing on a night out or not even leave the house because the bloating is so painful. The pain is debilitating and it inevitably has an affect on my mental state. These hormones are flying around like flies around dog shit, and topped off with your belly being the size of a watermelon, it's hard not to curl up in a ball all week until it's deflated to cantaloupe size.
This leads me to clothes. Damn clothes, why do we have to wear them!!!
Last week I had an almighty breakdown because I had no suitable clothes to wear for work the following day because my stomach was so bloated. Too hot for jeans, skirt too tight, dress accentuates the belly, look like I'm pregnant in dungarees. It's really not fun.
- Side note: I've recently cut half my Pepsi Max intake so hopefully bloated belly will shrink...
Next up on the agenda for recovery being an arsehole burn: binging.
If you're reading this, are in recovery from anorexia and have found yourself binging... please know this is incredibly normal.
The docs won't tell you, and your psychiatrist won't warn you of it, but babe, it's so normal. All the years you have spent malnourishing your body of tasty food, a taster of what it can have and it's going to be excited. It deserves this food. It's easy to say this stuff but that doesn't take away the feeling of guilt and of being out of control.
You may find yourself at midnight, in the kitchen, shoving cheesecake down your throat, grabbing handfuls of biscuits, slabs of chocolate, whatever is on the side, it's yours. You will probably be doing it in secret. Once you start, you won't stop. [You will don't worry - it just feels like that]. It's momentary. Your body is playing catch up. The thoughts that proceed however and horrific, the guilt, the shame and the immense loathing of yourself consumes you. You're anorexic!!! You can't eat all that food! How dare you?! Girl. It's just chemicals. Your body is starving, it needs this food and this is just a period of recovery - it won't last forever. And I will say it again: binge eating during recovery is normal. One thing I will add, is the importance opening up to somebody about it. I told my boyfriend about it and it was the biggest relief, and if anything, the shovelling of cereal eased and soon stopped. I had control. A good amount of control.
Finally, I want to talk about those icky things... emotions.
Recovery is probably the hardest, toughest, life-changing (brave) things you will ever go through. You are inundated with daily battles that 'normal' adults find so easy. From overcoming fear foods, to gaining weight, receiving comments about your appearance, to getting your period back - it's a heavy load (literally and metophorically).
Why does nobody prepare you for the depression? Or the anxiety? I never had these illnesses before anorexia, so why now that I choose to get better, do I get worse?
I don't know the science but I assume it's a chemical thing and when you think about it, it's not surprising to be experience all these scary emotions.
At times I want to die because I am so disgusted at myself. I thought recovery is meant to be worth it?
But it is!
It's not a quick fix. It's probably going to take years. Now that these emotions have bubbled up, I've began to become more aware of reasons that my anorexia developed and why I began to use starvation as a coping mechanism. The hormones that have returned years later with vengeance, are a bloody whirlwind - good and bad. You're going to be angry. You're going to cry (a lot); years of numbness and dry eyes, you've stored a lot of tears up that need to come out.
You're going to start fancying people again. You'll eventually get a sex drive - weirdest thing ever for me, having not really ever had one (soz mum hope you're not reading this).
So yeah, the good, the bad and the BEAUTIFUL come with recovery. I just wish I hadn't felt these feelings alone. Now, I've got a couple of close friends who are in recovery who I can share my feelings and pregnant belly pics with.
But deary me, recovery beats any Olympic gold medal (apart from synchronise swimming.)
Now.. if you get a big ol bloat like me, I wanna see your #ImWithBloat photos!
*** I'm currently being seen by a doctor regarding my bloating and tummy aches. Lot's of people recommending me peppermint tea/cutting out foods but don't worry - it's all being seen to :)
