Having an Eating Disorder During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic

It only took a national lock-down for me to get back on here writing. It’s not the most ideal situation that I envisioned bringing me back to blogging, but here we are, a month into self-isolation and I haven’t killed my boyfriend or dyed my hair yet. 

Let’s start off by saying that I am well aware of my privileged situation in this absolute chaotic time; I am able to work from home, can still pay my rent, and (currently) do not have coronavirus. Nonetheless, eating disorders do not discriminate, nor do they disappear during national health pandemics (however ideal that would be). Moreover, it is seeming increasingly clear that eating disorders – and depression – are worsening amidst this lock down and the coronavirus pandemic has posed some unique challenges for those with eating disorders.  

As if health wasn’t enough in the news at the moment, and if pre-Covid 19 social media wasn’t plagued with enough exercise and diet plans, it seems now more than ever ‘well-being’ is being forced down our throats. And I’ve had enough things shoved down my throat over the past few years…

Empty Shelves

The first ‘trigger’ for me, since coronavirus became an issue in the UK, was the mass hysteria surrounding the fear that many of the supermarkets would run out of food. Many people with eating disorders, those in recovery and those not, will have specific foods that they need. A big factor of those with anorexia is routine; diet plans are enforced to help those with anorexia nervosa begin to sustain regular eating patterns and help introduce normal eating. I eat pretty much the same thing every day because that’s where I am at in my recovery, that’s what is working for me to manage it at the moment. The fear of not being able to access my ‘safe’ foods is overwhelming, and whilst many might see this as a situation one could ‘get over,’ it’s not as straight forward as that. Having had hospital admissions and therapy sessions teaching me that restriction is never an option, what I was hearing on the News made me feel otherwise, but this time it wasn’t in my control.

With the aisles becoming empty, anxiety was trickling in and the thoughts in my head began doing circles. I have worked tirelessly over the years to lessen my obsessive thoughts around food; however, I now had no choice but to bring food to the forefront of my head. I somehow began to muster up the energy to mentally prepare should I not be able to get my usual groceries. But this ensued 100 mugs full of anxie-tea, made all the worse by finally getting into Tesco (after queuing for the duration of a podcast episode), and not being able to get item X and Y. When I managed to get my sanitised hands on item Z, taking this off the shelf, left a trail of shame and guilt about taking something that is in such high demand. Perhaps there was somebody else who needed it more than me. I’ve always struggled with spending money on food, but it has improved drastically since being with my boyfriend of 3 years, as I am buying for the both of us. 

Yet these old, intrusive feelings that I am not worthy of buying food were seeping their way back into my head each time I took another item off the shelf. I find it helps by thinking, if I am so fine with spending money on food (hot cross buns in particular) for my boyfriend, then why should it be different for me?

Full Cupboards

With buying large amounts of food in one go, can inevitably lead to the urge to eat it all. Binge eating comes in many forms; secret eating, bulimia, binge eating itself as a disorder and it can also occur in the later stages of recovery from anorexia. Binging is a process which brings on a whirlwind of emotions with shame and guilt at the core.

Self-isolation in itself can cause major anxiety for those who battle with binge eating; the prospect of being at home with access to all the food can cause a constant apprehension. Changes in environment can be a little bit disconcerting for most people, but when it comes to eating disorders, whether it be suddenly being alone 24 hours a day, moving back in with family, or sharing a flat with somebody who you usually only see a few hours a day, can prompt loud thoughts from the eating disorder.

If you are currently living with somebody who you know eats in secret or has binge eating episodes, I cannot emphasise – more than ever – the importance of not shaming them. Pointing out missing food or the pile of chocolate bar wrappers in the bin, isn’t going to help anybody. But what can help is communication, letting them know you’re there for them, and just being a friend.

Cooking for each other, or even just eating your meals at the same (even if it’s via FaceTime as you have a natter) can reinforce a sense of routine. Filling time between meals can be a middle finger up to the eating disorder who trying to kick her way in to occupy headspace; if colouring in isn’t your thing, and you’re not one of mindfulness, how about watching back to back Four in a Bed? Or painting one others nails? Heck, why not even make Tik Tok videos – that sure takes up a lot of time! Whilst these actions won’t fix the issue, it can be the (social distancing) hug that they deserve.

Social Media and Exercise

@tomfoleyart

Across social media, people have been tweeting how they’re going to leave lockdown ‘so fat.’ It didn’t take long before companies, influencers, brands and the media jumped on the immense fear that many are feeling about gaining weight whilst being stuck at home. Realistically, we’re not all going to gain lots of weight during this time. A few pounds maybe, but that is fine, our weight fluctuates all the time. There is nothing wrong with that. However, we have it drilled into us that gaining weight is the worst possible outcome of this all (sometimes I’m led to believe that this is as bad as getting the actual virus that’s led to us being stuck at home).

It took a matter of a day or two before we were being hounded with at-home workouts, the ‘best gym gear,’ diet plans and exercise apps galore. As somebody who exercise was never a contributing factor to my anorexia, I didn’t think this would be a trigger. Yet seeing online, the majority of my friends and people I follow sharing the stats of their workouts or 5k runs, was a little stab in the gut. Why is it now that during such a scary time where the threat of catching a deadly virus, all I am seeing is people taking up fitness regimes? I’ve never been more aware of how many steps I am doing a day, and why? If I don’t reach a certain number of steps, what is really going to happen?

Of course, exercise contributes to a healthy lifestyle, I’m not going to disregard that. And of course, for many, exercise can have great benefits to mental health and physical health. But are we overdoing it?

For those recovered or in recovery from anorexia, we have worked so hard on learning to love our bodies and allowing them to heal. When the world is at a standstill, with what seems like either doing nothing or doing exercise your only options for the day, anorexia quickly latches on to this decision. It has so quickly become the norm to share what work out you’re doing, how fast you ran that 5k, how many calories you burnt, or just public announcements of doing exercise. Why are people who have never ran before, now we are being told to self-isolate, are taking up running? Perhaps I should get off my high horse, but I’d rather donate my £5 for 5 hours of being sat on my bum watching Come Dine With Me and not succumbing to putting myself through 5 kilometres of stitch and sweatiness.

We don’t need to achieve anything during self-isolation. If getting out of bed is your biggest achievement of the day then that is great. If eating a new food is your biggest achievement, then that too is great.

Loneliness

Having spoken out about the resurfacing of old behaviours and thoughts, many people came forward to say that they were experiencing a similar thing. Being stuck inside, not at the workplace, food quickly became the pivotal point of my daily routine, just as it had in during the depths of anorexia. The days are blurring into one another with only my daily consumption becoming what I can remember from the day, ultimately filling me with shame and disgust at myself for how much I have eaten. This uncoincidentally has catapulted me into a vicious spiral of focussing on my body. There are mirrors all around my flat that I can’t avoid, there are scales in my bathroom, I’m constantly on the beloved work Zoom calls, staring not at my colleagues but at my own image.

For those who have been in hospital with an eating disorder, right now can be a bit of déjà vu. I’ve had my fair share of being forced inside all day, and I have found myself recently reliving those months in an eating disorder unit more than I have before.

Pre-lockdown, we would spend our days at work or university, in the company of others. Now with only ourselves (and perhaps a flat mate or partner for company), it is all too easy to become over aware of our bodies, putting them under intense scrutiny.

For those in recovery or recovered will not so fondly remember the days of social rejection when anorexia takes a hold, making up excuses as to why you can’t go to party, meet a friend for coffee or go for anywhere that involves holding a conversation. Now the limits to real life social interaction have been put in place has sucked me further into a pool of loneliness. My social life hasn’t changed all that much, but of course now I am only speaking to about two people a day in real life – my boyfriend and the security man at Tesco.

Whilst eating disorders are, as the name says, issues with eating, there are many branches of symptoms – isolation and distancing be a big fat one. Having ruined many friendships over the years due to anorexia, lockdown is making that all the more clear; social media reminding me every day that friendship groups are still a thing. With the help of Zoom, these virtual pub quizzes are becoming a regular occurrence, and what would be a video chat without screenshotting it to post on Instagram? Whilst I’ve gone through years of FOMO (albeit self-inflicted), from seeing pictures of friends on nights out, now they are in the physical setting I once was (glued to their sofa), they are still managing to maintain their friendship and ‘meet-ups.’ Being more aware than ever of these virtual social gatherings, I think has being a contributing factor to many turning to their old (bitch of  a) friend, anorexia. Pandemic or no pandemic, having an eating disorder is lonely, tormenting and tiring.

Mental illness or no mental illness, there are so many people in our communities experiencing immense loneliness at this time – so if you take anything from this, please reach out to somebody who you think may be struggling. A few words could make a huge difference.

I cannot emphasise enough; if you have an eating disorder or you don’t, please make the active decision to not watch dieting television. With BBC airing the moronically titled show The Restaurant That Burns Calories, more channels are scheduling shows which shame ‘fat people’ or encourage weight loss. With such devastating developments occurring around the country regarding coronavirus, it is incredibly insensitive and irresponsible on the broadcaster’s behalf to promote such ideologies. Instead, I would highly suggest following Ruby Tandoh, who has been sharing some utterly specific yet delightful food moments; from the crackle of rice pops in milk to the pop of a jam jar lid. Food is our friend – now, tomorrow, always.

SUPPORT

Since the pandemic, the nation’s biggest eating disorder charity BEAT has seen a 30% increase in phone calls from those struggling. However, due to so many fundraising events being cancelled, their funding is set to decrease by 30%.

“Coronavirus has ripped away the structure and support that enables people to fight their eating disorder. Appointments are being cancelled, routines are thrown off, and support networks of family and friends are torn apart. And in isolation, the eating disorder voice that tells people they are alone is louder and stronger than ever.”

With your support, Beat’s Helpline can continue taking calls from people struggling with an eating disorder. Please, if you can spare some change, donate here.

If you yourself are struggling, head to the Beat website where they have put together some amazing articles and resources to 
help you get through this unprecedented time.