A moan about "that film" 'To The Bone'

I am angry. I don't know at who - the film industry? Lilly Collins? Netflix? Anorexia? Myself? I don't know, but I am angry.

Let's make this clear; eating disorders are still a taboo subject in society. What is also clear is that eating disorders are deadly and self-destroying. Anorexia is particularly complex with lots of shitty aspects factoring into the cause, the symptoms and both the physical and mental impact it has on the sufferer.

I originally started writing this piece  after seeing the trailer for the film 'To the Bone.' Not one to often get 'triggered' (I hate that word), the trailer left me feeling peculiar. A feeling I hadn't felt in a long time was creeping its way up my not longer bony spine and into my renovated brain. I still class my self as an 'anorexic' but all the garbage that spouted from this trailer made me feel like a fraud. A skeletal white girl obsessively counting calories and over-exercising was being played in front of my eyes; this isn't me, but was a reminder to myself that, as sick as it sounds, is what I (used to) long to be. Indeed the trailer reinforced many feelings and behaviours that have for so long been manifested in me, but what was more evident was that this character was incredibly sick. 

Dare I say it, but the trailer made me miss being ill. Ugh.

For somebody who does not suffer from an eating disorder, it may seem silly to feel remorseful at not being 'as sick as her.' I've been there before, the hospitalisations, the denial, the physical deterioration, but unfortunately as life destructive as anorexia can be, the illness relishes in its manifestation. The more ill you are, the better anorexic you are. I can't necessarily say that the trailer glamourised the illness but definitely reignited a strange sense of longing to go back to my old ways, my old disgustingly obsessive ways.

"It's just a film." "It's good that eating disorders are being put in the media." "It's not real."

Sure. It's all pretend. And I'm finding myself conflicted as to whether this film is wrong. Unfortunately a trait of anorexia is being obsessed with the illness. The illness is your identity, your life, your entire being. (Not true, but y'know that's what anorexia makes you believe). So inevitably for sufferers, or even those prone to developing an eating disorder, a film about anorexia is going to reel us in like a type two diabetic to a sweet shop.

All the more infuriating, is that Lilly Collins, who plays the lead character, in fact lost the weight for the role. Even worse, she has previously suffered from an eating disorder. Surely she knows the toxicity that could come from this? I assume her weight loss was under medical supervision but even so, I can't help but feel that this was an incredibly irresponsible move. If she can lose the weight and be in a film then why can't I do that? A film about drugs doesn't insist that the actors should get doped up on heroin for their role, does it?

Yep. That's it. Nearly die on some rocks in the wilderness to finally choose to get better.

The slightly sick feeling that the trailer left me with, made me unsure about to watch the film. I could already tell that it was going to paint a stereotype anorexic that happens to find love, all the while having a cool, indie soundtrack.

I WATCHED IT! AND I WAS RIGHT!

But fear not! Instead of the feeling that the trailer left me with, I was left with a belly full of laughs. Because the film was so dire. It was as though a desperate tumblr-famous teen had shat all over my screen.

Wtf, why did none of the eating disorder units I've ever stayed at ever take us to an indoor waterfall????? MAYBE THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GOING WRONG! All makes sense now!!!!!
(Sarcasm)

The film has a massive flaw. It's missed a fantastic opportunity - to tell its audience what we may not know about the illness. Instead, it's just played up to societal expectations and assumptions of what an anorexic should be like. Where's the girl who is weight restored but crippled by anorexic thoughts that she can't leave the house? All we see is a skeletal girl, not eating a thing, (anorexics do eat by the way), doing endless sit ups (I never exercised, the lazy fuck I am), measuring her arms (I didn't give a shit about my body by the time I'd ended up in hospital.)

Another thing, not all people with an eating disorder end up in hospital. The film only focuses on the exterior rather than the interior. Eating disorders are mental illnesses, not physical ones. Yes they can have terrible physical effects. The director claims to have created this film to show the reality of anorexia, but in actual fact it showed a slither of that reality - a reality that many sufferers never 'reach.' If the director really wanted to teach us the ins and outs of how pooey eating disorders are, then she'd have shown us what treatment is really like. Yeah Keanu Reeves is great and all, but psychiatrists aren't that cool, (no offence to psychiatrists). Meal times aren't a 'eat what you want' situation. Meal plans in hospital are strict. Hospital is strict. This hospital seems more like a summer camp for arty people.

If you're reading this and have seen the film - please know, that although it may seem like it in the film, you do not have to reach your death bed to have this epiphany for recovery.

There's no right way to portray an eating disorder. They're nasty leeches that suck the life out of you. Sure, it's just a film, not a documentary, and we can't demonise a film for its story line. But hey, if its any consolation its an hour and half of cringe worthy dialogue and teenagers dancing under a weird indoor waterfall.