Je Suis un Party Pooper

I'm writing this blog a bit worse for wear (hungover) as I went to a fancy AF event last night.. (mum, 'af' means 'as fuck') which is perhaps a bit strange seeing as this is going to be about me being a number one party pooper. That's me, I am the flake on top of an overpriced, melting Mr Whippy. 

I have been 'out' twice in less than a week, which by my standards is a bloody miracle, seeing as I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I am the titanic of 23 year old women. For a solid six years I have seriously struggled with 'going out' and wow, as I write this I am aware that this is going to be a very first world, privileged rant but in this day and age, getting drunk and being sociable is very much the expectation of 20 somethings. 

Anxiety is a barst..ool and is, for many, something which can come in waves or can be a permanent gnat buzzing around your brain. For me, I try so hard for it to be more of a 'wave' and find myself forcing excitement and even arranging nights out and parties. However as the date of said event draws closer, I find myself scanning my brain for all possible outcomes and awkward situations that could arise and before I know it, I am conjuring up some feeble excuse for cancelling (it's getting more difficult to not recycle old excuses). 

Prime example of anxiety getting the better of me, being my birthday, whereby I had made an event on facebook for a meal and night out in London. I'd invited about 30 people, I had spent ages googling venues and restaurant, and then before I knew it I had deleted the event because I was anxious that nobody would turn up and I would look like a lemon. Or that people WOULD turn up and it would be boring and awkward and everybody would be whispering about how terrible the night was going. IT'S IRRATIONAL. There are no facts for me to feel like this, there is no proof that this may happen. But anyway, I ended up having my best friends come up for the weekend which probably suited me a lot better (seeing as I have only just moved to London).  

Anxiety is not solely a mental illness but can have physical symptoms, I have developed some sort of crippling stomach ache that tends to arise in social situations and events, even ones that I have been excited about for ages and haven't had much anxiety about. But hey, that's mental illness for you, it can creep up like Jack the Ripper when you least expect it. 

I get so frustrated at myself for not being 'normal' enough or a competent human being to simply go out and enjoy myself like so many of my friends. I see my friends on Instagram always busy, doing fun things, and it baffles me that they can do this. What sparked my eagerness to write this post was a situation recently whereby on a Friday night, my boyfriend and I had been to see some comedy (I had already been thinking of reasons why I should stay at home and not go) and afterwards, he wanted to go out.

"It's Friday night!" So? Love Island is on? "Just one drink at the pub, go on." No. No. No. Please, no. I just want to go home. So we compromised, and came home. Ha ha ha. We ultimately spent the rest of the night, on the sofa, bored out my minds (not that that made me want to go out any more) but I was ridden with guilt.

I do this SO often. Whether it be refusing to go out at all or leaving somewhere early, I find it so hardy to fully enjoy myself. I spend the night with eyes at the back of my head, itching to get home, worried what people around me think. Fair play to Lewis, my boyfriend who is more than understanding and will down his beer in a second to come home with me.

I feel the need to write about this to, mainly vent, but also because when I speak about this to many people, they too have felt the same in the past. We want to be in the photos, posting boomerangs on Instagram and getting a candid photo in the bar for our new Facebook photo, but so many of us are out of our depth. There is such a pressure for people to 'let off steam' by drinking. And sure, that can be fun... sometimes. Like, last night I was at an event which had an open bar serving gin cocktails, and I had SUCH a good time. But this was a rare occurrence and more often than not at other social gatherings, parties, festivals etc. I have this nagging thought at the back of my head telling me to go home. 

WHY???? 

Why can't I just enjoy myself like everybody else? 

Many people who meet me are surprised when I talk about my anxiety, as I am generally quite a confident person. I'm chatty, not too bad at small talk, and like meeting new people. But that's the important thing here, mental illness does not discriminate - it's the candy grabber of illnesses and will pick on whoever, no matter if they are sweet, sour, big, small, hard, chewy..... (This candy grabber metaphor was really shit). 

It is easy to put yourself down when you decline an invite, bail at last minute, or jump out the escape door. Part of you wants to stay, you don't want to let your friends down, you don't want to be 'that person.' Worse of all, well for me at least, it has a knock on effect and people end up not inviting you to things.

I cannot emphasise the importance of continuing to invite people to things who usually will not go. Much of anxiety derives from lack of self-worth and when your friends begin to drop you or not invite you, any self-worth left will slowly but surely manifest into some arsehole shitty thoughts. Sure, we may continue to not go for brunch, or pretend we are busy on your auntie's boyfriends birthday, but that doesn't necessarily mean we didn't want to be there. It especially doesn't mean that we want to be forgotten about. 

And finally, if you feel like this resonates with you, fear not. We are all different and not all designed to love the sesh. However, if you do feel that the anxiety around any sort of social situation or gathering is simply too overwhelming and damaging your quality of life, not only do I urge you to seek help but know that you are not alone. Remember that it is OKAY to sometimes bail, or leave early. Be open with your friends about it, ease in to social things from just having a friend round for coffee or inviting some close friends round to watch Love Island with you. (Even small things like this can cause me great anxiety). Sometimes you need to really kick that anxiety out and force yourself to go through with these less imposing circumstance. Give yourself credit for those small (bloody huge) achievements! I've learned that just a couple of hours spent with my best friends can leave me on such a high. Sure, I may pretend I am tired so that they leave earlier (sorry gals) but I did it, I had a great time, and I achieved something that day.

And who knows, maybe now I will be that girl who goes 'out out' 4 nights a week?!?! (Kidding. I could not think of anything worse). 




Check out @introvertdoodles who does great cartoons about anxiety!