University Is A Waste of Time - According to Rich Middle-Class Men

In a press release commissioned by 50 Year Old Men this morning, it has been decided that not attending University is number one in the League Tables this year - beating the infamous university 'Oxbridge' by a measly 87 points, and the University of Procrastination by 88 points.

The 50 Year Old Men, who prefer to be referred to as 'Bitter,' declared that studying Life is the most sought after qualification amongst those striving to count money. 

Mr Sour, who is head of university tuition, revealed that degrees don't in fact matter. However he insists on supporting students in reaching their final year of study, to ensure that their bank accounts are going into the maximum amount of debt.

Dan, a student from Northampton,
 showing his results.
From his steroids.

Following this, what with the recent A-Level Results day, proud parents all over the country are rolling around on the floor after the realisation their children have achieved what they didn't, and are beginning university. A father of a disabled ethnic minority (ethnicity disclosed), cried and snot-bubbled on my shoulder as he spoke about the moment his son (or daughter) found out that he (or she) had gained a place at Cardiff University (or Cardiff Met).

"These are not tears of pride I am crying. I was saving this money for a new AGA."

However, students across the country (or  countries? Are we one country? Or a collection of countries that form a nation?) were highly disappointed with their results. Penelope from Surrey wrote to me via fax, explaining that she will be demanding that her A A A* grades are to be remarked.

"Mummy agreed that if I was predicted A* A* A* then that is what I should have given me, otherwise Mummy wants her money back."

This response was not uncommon amongst students and The Daily Mail said that those who did not receive the grades that they were predicted are 67% more likely to get cancer, whilst the majority of those who got their first choice of university are morbidly obese. 

On results night, youths took to the streets between approximately 10pm and 1am causing great distress to nearby residents, with the disruption being comparable to that of the 2010 London riots. Empty cans of fig and elderflower flavoured cider were found littered sporadically in many city centres, whilst half full WKD bottles were found in numerous bus stops, causing great danger to young children and the elderly who may mistake it for their milk. 

Many of these students maintained the annual tradition of levitation after opening their A-Level results.

Meanwhile, many students who did gain a place at university, have expressed their excitement for the next three, or four, or seventeen years of even more education. An online Facebook Forum for a group of first year students at Bo Peep University shared this excitement, declaring that they are definitely friends for life. Discussion about family gym memberships, and joint shopping trips fuel their online conversations, with one student tweeting this morning:

Can't wait to meet my housemates today! Then house hunting with them tomorrow for our 2nd year family house! #WeRFamily

50 Year Old Men will begin the first of six debates at the WhetherForks tomorrow regarding whether to issue a rise in fees at the University of Life, or to abolish the monarchy instead.