Guilt, worry and self-loathing; the feelings we revel in come New Year.
Now is the time to stretch out of your itchy Christmas jumper cocoons, stop eating Lindt truffle after Quality Street, turn off The Vicar of Dibley, and depart your nearest and dearest (aka no more mum to do your washing as you waste the day away on your phone). Now is the time to sit back, relax and... actually, nope. Now is the time to STAND UP OFF YOUR LAZY ARSE and think about all those pleasurable things that Mr Sainsburys offered you to indulge in over the past month!
All those stuffing balls, all that Baileys, those hours lost dozing on the sofa, contributing to the lazy oaf you have become. And not forgetting that awful glittery wrapping paper that caused you to stress eat your way through the Celebrations box (you couldn't help it, they were calling your name).
What have you become? How could you let this happen?!
All those stuffing balls, all that Baileys, those hours lost dozing on the sofa, contributing to the lazy oaf you have become. And not forgetting that awful glittery wrapping paper that caused you to stress eat your way through the Celebrations box (you couldn't help it, they were calling your name).
What have you become? How could you let this happen?!
As the clock strikes midnight, the pile of worries that drown you in fear, come falling like an elephants' turd. Television channels and newspapers alike suddenly have a change in heart. Long gone is Nigella's Christmas cooking programme, aurevoir to the 3 for 2 on selection boxes, and you can forget having brandy cream with everything. You'll see the John Lewis advert replaced with Weight Watchers adverts, supermarkets replacing their cheese boards with their 'calorie control' bullshit. And what about all those fitness DVDs from celebrities being released, coincidentally alongside their new motivational autobiography. It's as if they're encouraging us to indulge and then feel guilty afterwards on purpose...?! *Rolls eyes*
Keen to keep 2017 as awful as 2016, the scaremongers were out to smack our bottoms and put us in the naughty corner. There was no rest for the wicked; if the first day back at work wasn't a drag enough, what is this we are hearing? NO MORE CAKE?!
Forget sexism, forget fair pay, CAKE CULTURE is the utmost of issues in the workplace. Nigel Hunt, some dental professor fella, is making it his mission to 'combat cake culture.' What a guy. 'Apparently' cake makes you fat and rots your teeth (shock, horror!) Surely Jaffa cakes are still allowed? They're biscuits, right?
Forget sexism, forget fair pay, CAKE CULTURE is the utmost of issues in the workplace. Nigel Hunt, some dental professor fella, is making it his mission to 'combat cake culture.' What a guy. 'Apparently' cake makes you fat and rots your teeth (shock, horror!) Surely Jaffa cakes are still allowed? They're biscuits, right?Then pops up Sarah Vine, with her first column of the year; who did she have in the firing line? Of course, young (reckless) women. Whilst 'adults' need to combat cake culture, young women are "a bunch of alcohol-sodden, helpless and hapless wrecks." Oh Vine, ever the sweetie. It clearly can't be a problem for women like Sarah herself. Go ahead, get absolutely smashed at your fancy rooftop Christmas work-do but don't you dare go out to a club, drink, dance, and maybe, even... go to the chippy after!
It's not even the 'getting drunk' that seems to be the biggest problem to her, it's that they appear to 'have no shame.' So what to do?! SHAME THEM. Shame these women! Make them feel awful for who they are! They need not waste their energy in being ashamed when the media can do it for them! Shame these women as a collective for getting drunk. As far as I'm aware, however, more young women are getting off their faces on avocado and kale. But sure.
Then came the telling-off for parents; all of a sudden discovering that they've been giving their children lifetimes allowance of sugar for breakfast. Cheerio sacred breakfast cereals. Damn them 'medical professional' cereal killers.
I'm not outwardly encouraging a junk-food, chain smoking, binge-drinking lifestyle. That'd be ridiculous. Anyway, I trust people reading this have basic common sense. But this January explosion of gym memberships, and diet fads are making us feel guilty for things that contribute to a normal life. Breathing shame down our necks after spoon-feeding us the "Best Christmas Pudding Recipes" for the past 3 months, sure provides a chill. I for one, can tell you that all these diet fads do not make you happy.
It's hard not to sound like a hypocrite, a bloody anorexic saying 'have your cake and eat it.' But more than ever I'm seeing a ridiculous amount of shaming and scare-mongering that is associated with pleasure. Trying to teach myself that food isn't scary, and is more than just 'fuel' but something I can enjoy, is incredibly difficult when the ads during Four In A Bed are telling me that 'drinking this zero-calorie, tastes-like-piss detox tea, will help me shed those pounds I gained over Christmas!'
Healthy body equals healthy mind? Paha. How are we meant to know what 'healthy' is when one minute chocolate can cure cancer, and the next it's causing an epidemic? I grew up hearing how bad fat is, and now it's sugar? Is wine okay, is it not? And don't get me started on carbs. Carbs are good. Eat bread.Bread is good. We all know that to be healthy is about balance.
I long for the day where I can have a Crunchie and not feel shame about it. I long for the day where a photo of a girl getting a piggy-back home from a friend is labelled; 'That's what friends are for." I long for the day when people stop profiting in making us feel rubbish about ourselves.
*Gazes into the far-off distance* *Dreams of a non-judging, optimistic world*
It's hard not to sound like a hypocrite, a bloody anorexic saying 'have your cake and eat it.' But more than ever I'm seeing a ridiculous amount of shaming and scare-mongering that is associated with pleasure. Trying to teach myself that food isn't scary, and is more than just 'fuel' but something I can enjoy, is incredibly difficult when the ads during Four In A Bed are telling me that 'drinking this zero-calorie, tastes-like-piss detox tea, will help me shed those pounds I gained over Christmas!'
Healthy body equals healthy mind? Paha. How are we meant to know what 'healthy' is when one minute chocolate can cure cancer, and the next it's causing an epidemic? I grew up hearing how bad fat is, and now it's sugar? Is wine okay, is it not? And don't get me started on carbs. Carbs are good. Eat bread.Bread is good. We all know that to be healthy is about balance.
I long for the day where I can have a Crunchie and not feel shame about it. I long for the day where a photo of a girl getting a piggy-back home from a friend is labelled; 'That's what friends are for." I long for the day when people stop profiting in making us feel rubbish about ourselves.
*Gazes into the far-off distance* *Dreams of a non-judging, optimistic world*
Tis the season to no longer be jolly tra la la la la la la la la
P.S I can confidently say that have no shame in being 'that person' that likes the Bountys.
P.S I can confidently say that have no shame in being 'that person' that likes the Bountys.
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